Hey all,
(Took this one down for a minute to submit to a few places….rejected. But hey, at least I can put it back on Substack for everyone now.)
This week’s satirical short is brought to you by that one workplace email chain that’s refuses to end. Shout out to my guy Dan Omastiak for his beta read and contributing what became my favorite joke in the piece.
Enjoy! (And as always, share with anyone you think would like it.)
Cheers,
Andy
Purgatory.PDF
From: Peter the Apostle
To: The Almighty
Cc: +APOSTLES
Subj: This week’s entrance list
Attachment: Purgatory_Full List_PDF
Hi God,
Hope You had a blessed holiday! The Purgatory team sent this a few weeks back — I went ahead and highlighted the names within that I think might, with Your approval of course, be worthy of consideration for entrance this month.
When You have a moment today, can You prioritize? Would love to begin their orientation as soon as we’re able to.
PS: cc-ing the rest of The Twelve here in case there are any specific questions. I know the two James’s have been lobbying for a few people on here.
Your rock at the Gate,
Peter
Peter the Apostle
Director, Heaven’s Gate
M: 1-111-3215
———————————————————
APOSTLES Microsoft Teams Chat:
James the Less: @Peter, please don’t volunteer us like that without coming to us first. I’m busy AF today.
James the Greater: Like, if He asks, of course I’ll get it done. But agree with JtL — come our way first.
Thomas: Doubt He responds anyway.
Peter: Fair enough. I can take us off the thread completely if everyone agrees.
John: No. Leave me on, at least.
Andrew: @James and @James — you definitely have the time. I haven’t assigned you anything with a pressing due date today. We may all need to chip in today with this—and that means everyone.
———————————————————
From: Peter the Apostle
To: The Almighty
CC: Jesus of Nazareth; +APOSTLES
Subj: Re: This week’s entrance list
Attachment: Purgatory_Full List_PDF
My Lord God,
Don’t want to be a bother, but just making sure You saw my note from earlier. Perhaps, if You’re swamped, You could delegate decision to Jesus? Not sure what His workload’s like this week, but I’ve cc’d Him here in case it’s easier.
Your rock,
Peter
———————————————————
From: Jesus of Nazareth
To: Peter the Apostle
Subj: Re: Re: This week’s entrance list
Attachment: Purgatory_List_PDF
Hi P,
Taking Dad and the boys off the thread. Going to have to deny the request here. Too busy. Also, not familiar enough with the list.
Died for your Sins,
Jesus
Jesus Christ
Son of God, Trinity Member, Miracle Worker
M: 1-111-1111
———————————————————
APOSTLES Microsoft Teams Chat:
Simon: Reminder happy hour this Friday is BYO-wine. Can someone get there early so we don’t get that one-sided table again?
Judas Iscariot has left the chat.
———————————————————
From: Peter the Apostle
To: Jesus of Nazareth
Subj: Re: Re: Re: This week’s entrance list
Attachment: Purgatory_Full List_PDF
Hi my Lord,
Totally get it! No problem! Hope all’s well with You and Mary.
Best,
Peter
———————————————————
From: Peter the Apostle
To: The Almighty
CC: Jesus of Nazareth; +APOSTLES
Subj: Re: Re: This week’s entrance list
Attachment: Purgatory_Full List_PDF
My Lord God,
Wanted to close a loop on this one. I was blind to His workload but now I see that, after speaking to Jesus off thread, He confirmed He cannot lend a hand on this right now.
If You want, I can come by Your throne later and go over it in person.
Your rock,
Peter
———————————————————
Lucifer and Peter Microsoft Teams Chat:
Lucifer: I heard from Judas there’s a Purgatory Forgive list circulating without my knowledge?
Peter: Apologies, was trying to expedite and help Him out.
Lucifer: Expedite how?
Peter: I highlighted a handful names based on the criteria from last time (ie, venial sins only, 40+ years in Purgatory, 100+ charitable acts while on Earth)
Lucifer: Criteria is dependent on strategy and strategy is ever changing. I have my 1 on 3 with the Trinity later this week. You should have waited.
Peter: Will bring you into the chain. Hold on.
———————————————————
From: The Almighty
To: Peter the Apostle
CC: +APOSTLES;
Subj: Re: This week’s entrance list
Attachment: Purgatory_Full List_PDF
Peter,
Can’t open the document.
Thx.
———————————————————
From: Peter the Apostle
To: The Almighty; Steve Jobs
CC: +APOSTLES; Lucifer;
Subj: Re: Re: This week’s entrance list
Attachment: Purgatory_Full List_PDF
Dear Lord,
Looping IT in to help. @Steve: can you please work with The Almighty to fix? You can meet him in the throne room, I’ve set up the appointment with you and Him already.
(Have also cc’d Lucifer for awareness here.)
Best,
Peter
———————————————————
APOSTLES Microsoft Teams Chat:
Matthew: @Peter, I always put lists in the email body for Him. Works better.
Bartholomew: I just cc Jobs on all my emails that go to His way in anticipation.
James the Greater: So pumped to be receiving all these emails, seriously. It’s awesome and not overcrowding my inbox at all…
———————————————————
From: Lucifer
To: The Almighty; Steve Jobs; Peter the Apostle
CC: +APOSTLES;
Subj: Re: Re: This week’s entrance list
Attachment: Purgatory_Full List_PDF
Dear Almighty, hi Pete,
Wasn’t consulted at all on this list. SOP has my eyes prior to approval, yes?
Don’t You Guess My Name,
Lucifer
Lucifer, the Fallen
VP, Hell
M: 1-666-6666
———————————————————
From: The Almighty
To: Peter the Apostle; Steve Jobs
CC: +APOSTLES; Lucifer
Subj: Re: Re: Re: This week’s entrance list
Attachment: Purgatory_Full List_PDF
Steve and I figured it out. Clouds issue. Forgave entire list as suggested.
@Lucifer, no need to look. Can cancel our 1:Trinity this week too. Have a conflict.
Thx.
———————————————————
Lucifer and Peter Microsoft Teams Chat:
Lucifer: ALL OF PURGATORY? Are you kidding me?
Peter: I understand. Apologies. It’s my fault.
Lucifer: So it’s a mistake? There’s time to revisit?
Peter: Our Father does not make mistakes.
Lucifer: Some of the people forgiven are *completely* unrepentant. Unbelievable. One guy got here literally yesterday after manslaughter.
Peter: Unfortunately, His Will is spoken.
Lucifer: Typed, not spoken. Might be some wiggle room.
Peter: You’re welcome to bring it up with Him.
———————————————————
APOSTLES Microsoft Teams Chat:
James the Less: Lol lol, did He just forgive all of Purgatory without looking???
Thomas: I doubt the Gate can handle this type of influx
James the Less: @Peter, Judas is chatting me now, said Lucifer is real annoyed.
James the Greater: Not surprised. I’m annoyed and I’m not even responsible.
Andrew: @Peter, let me know if you need help at the Gate….
———————————————————
From: Peter the Apostle
To: The Almighty;
CC: +APOSTLES; +PURGATORY; Steve Jobs; Lucifer
Subj: RE: RE: This week’s entrance list
Attachment: Purgatory_Full List_PDF
Our Father,
Thank You for all the help today. Looping Lucifer in here – he wanted to know if there’s wiggle room.
I will work on an introduction ceremony for all the newcomers just in case. Given the large number, we can do it virtually (@Steve, can you set that up?)
Also, I’m OOO rest of the afternoon. Will jump on first thing in the AM just in case anything changes. But if there’s something urgent, I know @JamesTheGreater has time today.
Thanks,
Peter
As always — let me know your thoughts in the comments if you feel so inclined.
For all the tech support in Microsoft platforms, Jobs must be wishing he was sent to purgatory instead!
One sided table = best joke